Mr. Brown: Yeah, yeah, but “Mr. Brown”, that’s little too close to “Mr. Shit”.

Joe: Hey, who didn’t throw in?
Mr. Orange: Mr. Pink.
Joe: Mr. Pink? Why not?
Mr. Orange: He don’t tip.
Joe: He don’t tip? Whaddaya mean you don’t tip?
Mr. Orange: He don’t believe in it.
Joe: Shut up!

Season 3

Meaning (3.01)

Dr. Wilson: So if there’s no diagnostic issue why are you taking the case?
Dr. House: …Treatment can be interesting.
Dr. Wilson: Not to you.
Dr. House: I’ve changed.
Dr. Wilson: No you haven’t.
Dr. House: [immediately] No I haven’t.

Dr. House: [leaning over the end of the patient’s bed] Don’t worry, I’m not going to burn you again. I’m going to [reveals needle] STAB YOU!

Dr. Cameron: We should give her a local.
Dr. House: That would defeat the purpose of me being nasty.

Dr. Cuddy: You’ve been back at work for 24 hours and already you’re playing hide-and-seek in a woman’s spine.
Dr. House: Who won the pool?

Dr. Wilson: You really don’t give a crap, do you?
Dr. House: Does that make me evil?
Dr. Wilson: Yeah.

Dr. Wilson: The reason we crave meaning is because it makes us happy. The first level of happiness… [House walks away] I’m not going away.

Dr. Wilson: The fifth level of happiness involves Creation, changing lives.
Dr. House: The sixth level is heroin, the seventh level is you going away.

Season 2

Acceptance [2.1]

Assistant: You can’t go in there.
Dr. House: Who are you? And why are you wearing a tie?
Assistant: I’m Dr. Cuddy’s new assistant. Can I tell her what it’s regarding?
Dr. House: Yes! I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don’t.
Assistant: I’m her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.
Dr. House: Hmm… I didn’t know they had a secretarial school. Well, I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word “ka-ching” mean anything to you? I’m going in now.

Dr. House: You met me at a strip club.
Stacy: You were the worst two dollars I ever spent.

Dr. House: Death row guy. I want the case.
Dr. Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don’t have access to the hospital’s mainframe.
Dr. House: No, but “partypants” does.
Dr. Cuddy: You stole my password?
Dr. House: Hardly counts as stealing; it’s a pretty obvious choice.

Dr. House: Well, I don’t want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.
Dr. Cuddy: You’re addicted to pain pills.
Dr. House: But I’m not useless.

Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

Dr. House: See that, they all assume I’m a patient because of the cane.
Dr. Wilson: Then why don’t you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
Dr. House: I don’t want them to think I’m a doctor.

Dr. House: Your wife is having an affair.
Orange-Colored Patient: What??
Dr. House: You’re ORANGE, you moron! It’s one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn’t picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she’s just not paying attention. Oh, by the way, do you consume just ridiculous amounts of carrots and mega-dose vitamins? The carrots turn you yellow, the niacin turns you red. Get a set of fingerpaints and do the math… and get a good lawyer.

Dr. Cuddy: You don’t prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don’t since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
Dr. House: You’re comparing me to a Nazi? [admiringly] Nice …

Dr. Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
Dr. Cameron: What’s up?
Dr. Foreman: When you break into someone’s house, it’s always better to have a white chick with you.

Dr. House: Everybody lies.
Dr. Cameron: Dr. House doesn’t like dealing with patients.
Dr. Foreman: Isn’t treating patients why we became doctors?
Dr. House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.

Rebecca Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity.
Dr. House: There’s no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we’re 90, sometimes before we’re even born, but it always happens and there’s never any dignity in it. I don’t care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It’s always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can’t die with it.

Dr. House: Patients always want proof. We’re not making cars here, we don’t give guarantees.

- ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
- Oral.

***

- What is your date of birth?
- July 18th.
- What year?
- Every year.