Bear: What’s up, Harry? Did NASA find oil on Uranus, man?

Harry Stamper: Quincy! Somebody tell me what this is. Plastic ice cream scoop? What’d that cost? About $400.

Max: Who’s that for? Mr. Ed? You stick that thing in me, I’m gonna stab you in the heart with it. You ever see Pulp Fiction?

General Kimsey: If you’re trying to make me feel better about this scenario, give it up.
Truman: To tell you the truth, I’m kind of encouraged. This guy Chick here was an Air Force commando for six years.
General Kimsey: We got robbery, assault, arrest, resisting arrest. We got a collection agent for the mob. Two of these guys have done serious time.
Truman: Look, they’re the best at what they do.
General Kimsey: So am I. And I’m not so optimistic. We spend 250 billion dollars a year on defense. And here we are. The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn’t trust with a potato gun.

Pilot [1.1]

Brennan: Tell me you tried “excuse me” first.
Angela: Ah, Sweetie. Yes, I did. Welcome home. Are you exhausted? Was Guatemala awful? Was it horribly backward?
Brennan: And yet, I was never reduced to flashing my boobs for information.
Angela: Flash `em for any fun reasons?

Angela: You know, diving head first in a pit of cadavers is no way to handle a messy breakup.
Brennan: Angela, nothing Pete and I ever did was messy.
Angela: Then you weren’t doing the right things.

DHS Officer: Most people in this situation, what they do, is sweat.
Brennan: Guatemala. Genocide. How are you scary after that?

Brennan: Look, I am sorry if I embarrassed you in front of your friends, but next time you should identify yourself before attacking me.

Booth: Bones identifies bodies for us.
Brennan: Don’t call me Bones, and I do more than identify.

Booth: A decomposed corpse was found this morning at Arlington National Cemetery…
Brennan: Arlington National Cemetery is full of decomposed corpses. It’s a cemetery.

Brennan: If you drive one more block, I’m screaming “kidnap” out the window.

Booth: You know, you’re not the only forensic anthropologist in town.
Brennan: Yes, I am. The next university is in Montreal. Parlez-vous français?

Booth: What’s it going to take?
Brennan: Full participation in the case.
Booth: Fine.
Brennan: Not just lab work. Everything.
Booth: What? You want me to spit in my hand? We’re Scully and Mulder.
Brennan: I don’t know what that means.

Booth: He’s got no sense of discretion, that kid. Typical squint.
Brennan: I don’t know what that means.
Booth: Cops get stuck, we bring in people like you. You know, squints. You know, squint at things.
Brennan: Oh, you mean people with very high IQ’s and basic reasoning skills?

Brennan: What exactly am I supposed to be squinting at?
Booth: It’s like pornography, you’ll know it when you see it.

The Joker: Wanna know how I got these scars? My father was….a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn’t like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. Turns to me and he says “Why so serious?” Comes at me with the knife,”Why so serious?” He sticks the blade in my mouth. “Let’s put a smile on that face!” And….. Why so serious?

Gotham National Bank Manager: The criminals in this town used to believe in things. Honor. Respect. Look at you! What do you believe in? What do you believe in!
The Joker: I believe whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you… stranger.

The Joker: Come on, I want you do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. Hit me!

The Joker: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight’s entertainment! I only have one question. Where is Harvey Dent? You know where Harvey is? You know who he is? You know where I can find Harvey? I need to talk to him about something. Just something, a little. The Joker: No…

The Joker: You know, you remind of my father… I hated my father!

The Joker: And I thought my jokes were bad…

The Joker: You know, I’ll settle for his loved ones.
Gentleman at Party: We’re not intimidated by thugs!
The Joker: You know, you remind me of my father. I hated my father!
Rachel Dawes: Okay, stop!
The Joker: Well, hello, beautiful. You must be Harvey’s squeeze, hmm? And you are beautiful. You look nervous. Is it the scars? You want to know how I got ‘em? Come here. Hey! Look at me. So I had a wife, beautiful, like you, who tells me I worry too much. Who tells me I ought to smile more. Who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks… look at me! One day, they carve her face. And we have no money for surgeries. She can’t take it. I just want to see her smile again, hmm? I just want her to know that I don’t care about the scars. So… I stick a razor in my mouth and do this…to myself. And you know what? She can’t stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now I see the funny side. Now I’m always smiling! A little fight in you. I like that.
Batman: Then you’re going to love me.

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
– Demetri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
– Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.
– Demetri Martin

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
– Bill Cosby

If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
– Dave Allen

Howard Payne: Jack, nothing tricky now. You know I’m on top of you! DO NOT attempt to grow a brain!

Jack: Harry, there’s enough C-4 on this thing to put a hole in the world!

Jack: It’s a game. If he gets the money he wins, if the bus blows up he wins.
Annie: What if you win?
Jack: Then tomorrow we’ll play another one.
Annie: But I’m not available to drive tomorrow. Busy.

Ortiz: Just keep it steady.
Annie: Oh, thanks for the tip, Ortiz.

Young Executive: Jesus. Bob, what button did you push?